Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Wow! Did everyone notice C3PO at the Grammys??? He sure has let himself go...

   My neighbor asked me to watch her cats while she was out of town. I replaced all the cat litter with Pop Rocks. Now we wait.

   Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing. No handshakes… just cold shoulders.

   When can I start eating bats again.

   If we continue wearing these masks for another year kids will start to think that a nose is a private part

   In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.

   1 in 6 Millennials has a 100k saved, while 5 in 6 have 100k worth of tattoos...

   A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs

   Guns are incapable of losing their minds... but people sure are.

   Breasts, great on chicks, AND turkeys

   Women are magicians, they can change anything into an argument.

   I try to let women think I'm mysterious and not hard up....that's why I wait a good 45 seconds before I Poke someone back on facebook.

   If I am home alone, there's a 96% chance I'm naked.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

   You know you've done a great job when somebody you DON'T know LIKEs your status.

   Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you'd like to put in on Monday.

   I'll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

   I just told a child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'

   The Longest a man can hold out without eating is 4 months but me and my checking account are challenging that.