Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

   Your mindset is everything. You can have it all and still be unhappy, or you can have nothing and still manage to be happy.

   People under the age of 30 have never listened to a record, so if you say "I don't want to sound like a broken record," they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means.

   I parked in front of gym today & ate lunch #Babysteps

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele But here we are

   Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed. I jiggled the change in my pocket.

   I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.

   HECK .... If she can get away with this Crap NOW ...... Just think what she could get away with as President!!! Seriously ..... If you are really serious about your own future .... and the future of this nation ...... THINK ABOUT IT!!!

   My status updates are now 100% gluten free.

   Even Clint Eastwood's chair is refusing to appear at the Republican National Convention.

   I'd give five bucks to hear Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel"...

   [Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**

   I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. 'Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn't get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn't work upstairs.'

   Can you imagine anything more depressing than going to a petting zoo owned by MC Hammer.

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’

   I'm so hungry I could eat a farm-raised, grass-fed, free-range, fair trade, organic, no-added antibiotics or hormones horse.

   DNC is sueing wikileaks. Not for false information, but for stealing emails. They do realize with that, they admit they ar real right?

   Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day

   You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.