Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My status updates are now 100% gluten free.

   Even Clint Eastwood's chair is refusing to appear at the Republican National Convention.

   I'd give five bucks to hear Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel"...

   [Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**

   I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. 'Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn't get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn't work upstairs.'

   Can you imagine anything more depressing than going to a petting zoo owned by MC Hammer.

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’

   I'm so hungry I could eat a farm-raised, grass-fed, free-range, fair trade, organic, no-added antibiotics or hormones horse.

   DNC is sueing wikileaks. Not for false information, but for stealing emails. They do realize with that, they admit they ar real right?

   Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day

   You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.

   Lets all say a prayer for Bill Clinton after watching the Monica interview his holidays will suck

   To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?

   My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".

   I hate when my dog plays in the rain and comes in the house smelling like a hipster.

   Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.

   They made Paul McCartney and Elton John knights. What's the point if they aren't going to joust?

   I think about making love every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   If a girl pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll immediately make you a sandwich.

   if I had a nickel for everytime someone told me I'm bad at math,id have 47 cents