Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband understands that when we argue, and I say "Fine, do what you want." I really mean "If you do that, I will stab you in your sleep."

   My GPS keeps sending me through sketchy neighborhoods, but I go along, ‘cause I don't want my GPS to think I'm racist.

   Sorry Al-Qaeda. but our Congress has been the better terrorist group for decades. They've been killing people mentally, psychologically, financially, physically, and of course economically. You're mad because you hate being #2.

   Overweight British hookers really know how to convert their pounds into dollars.

   That embarrassing moment when you think you have made a connection with someone only to watch them ask your friend out

   Hey guys, don't ever show a lot of interest in a woman you just started getting to know. If you do, even if she likes you she will stop showing interest.

   My ex posted a pic captioned, "Just me" and I commented, "Yes just you and your 7 personalities" Now I am deleted and blocked.

   NEW FB VIRUS!! THIS IS A BAD ONE!! This virus looks up your kids' birth certificates and sells them on Ebay, your dog will run away, you will gain weight, your cell phone won't get reception, cats and mice will unite, Reading this may have infected you!

   Spongebob is Asian. He's yellow, can't drive and does karate.

   i set my dvr to record the bigest loser and all I get is dallas cowboys games

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   ever notice how Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?

   went to Facebook and all I got was this stupid status message.

   went on a 9th date with a girl, we watched Batman. so far its been dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMANN!

   girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

   What did the left pu$$y lip say to the other? We used to be so tight until we let some d*ck come between us.

   Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.

   wonders if the people who spend £2 each on those Evian bottles know that backwards it spells Naive..

   ‎*SINGLE* is NOT a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live & enjoy life without depending on others.

   I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"