Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   today I was awoken at 3am by my child laughing hysterically in his sleep. All I could think of is "man I really wish I didn't watch so many horror movies cause I'm creeped out!"

   Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel.

   If you let the bad things stop you, you'll never get to the good things.

   When I was a kid, I remember trying to stay up all night until the sun came up was such a challenge and so cool. Now its almost a ritual and dreaded.

   Okay, Bee Gees, I'll bite. What qualifies as "more than a woman"?

   Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within.

   Maybe it's the beer talking but I really love beer.

   Grandma just answered the TV remote when the phone rang...the only weird part is she had a ten minute conversation.

   You know you are in a bad part of town when you fear being robbed by the convenience store clerk...

   Those friends of yours who only call you when they're driving? They're bored, stuck in a car and totally using you

   ‎"Nothing tastes as good as how being fit feels", said the person who never had my grandmother's Manicotti.

   Im relocating to Colorado, I just heard the news; Colorado is now a weed state. I can smoke while voting next time around!

   That moment when you're going to stalk someone and you end up stalking 5 more people because you need to understand the whole conversation.

   Google a boy or a girl? Obviously a girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity...

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   when women want to be treated like a princess, they go looking for prince charming....they need to look for Mario....he will do anything & has a lot of extra lives

   If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.

   If you think accidentally calling a fat woman "pregnant" is bad, you should see what happens when you call a pregnant woman "fat."

   Alcohol is the gasoline on the highway to happiness.