Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those friends of yours who only call you when they're driving? They're bored, stuck in a car and totally using you

   ‎"Nothing tastes as good as how being fit feels", said the person who never had my grandmother's Manicotti.

   Im relocating to Colorado, I just heard the news; Colorado is now a weed state. I can smoke while voting next time around!

   That moment when you're going to stalk someone and you end up stalking 5 more people because you need to understand the whole conversation.

   Google a boy or a girl? Obviously a girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity...

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   when women want to be treated like a princess, they go looking for prince charming....they need to look for Mario....he will do anything & has a lot of extra lives

   If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.

   If you think accidentally calling a fat woman "pregnant" is bad, you should see what happens when you call a pregnant woman "fat."

   Alcohol is the gasoline on the highway to happiness.

   I often find myself rewording a long post so many times, that it completely loses the original subject... This one started off about bacon

   Dudes in skinny jeans...there's no need for sex if you're already in her pants...

   If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.

   heard on CNN that the blackout in India has affected nearly 700 million people...Good luck getting through to Comcast customer service today! ツ

   I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends.

   I have absolutely no problem telling my boss to go screw himself when he isn't here.

   There would be no limits to what a man could achieve... if he were to apply the same level of focus, persistence and dedication to his daily life... that he does when drunk and trying to convince a hot lesbian to sleep with him...

   Life is short. Tell the people you care about that you love the them. But tell them in German because life is also scary and confusing...

   Nicki Minaj's stylists must be exhausted from finding new and creative ways to hide her enormous camel toe.