Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink...

   This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.

   You're not the dumbest person I know but the potential is there.

   WTF are you complaining about?! Unless there is lying, cheating, abuse or stealing involved in your relationship then its not as bad as you're making it out to be!

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   To any girl who calls herself a Barbie: FYI, real men don't play with barbies.

   HAPPY NEW BEER!!!

   Thought about asking someone if they wanted to be my "It's complicated" status...

   It's a small world. Unless you gotta walk home.

   How much teenagers care about politics. Regular topic: lol wat? Presidential election: meh. Threaten the Internet: it's the most important thing ever.

   lookin at the cost of medical insureance is making me sick in itself...

   FACT: Arguing with women is like getting arrested, anything you say can and will be used against you.

   I only have affairs with Librarians. They know how to keep things quiet

   Of course I wanna go to my high school reunion! There's nothing I'd rather do than waste hundreds of dollars and precious vacation days, just to hang with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. And still can't.

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

   Telling someone they "look tired" is the best way to insult someone under the guise of "caring."

   A PIRATE'S TOAST: May your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced, and your compass be true.

   Class reunions are pointless now. Because of Facebook I see all you f*ckers everyday.

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.