Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   believes Jimmy Buffet said it best. . . "Why dont we get drunk and screw?" Happy St. Patrick's and Hump Day everyone!!!

   Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...

   Getting blind drunk off PBR shall now be known as getting a Pabst Smear.

   I just read about a dyslexic cop being fired for operating an IUD checkpoint.

   Until I found Facebook, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.

   I really want to know why Newton discovered gravity when he saw an apple falling. He used to sh*t and I'm sure it didn't fly.

   I always feel like a domestic God after watching Hoarders.

   Being real is like being a lady... if you have to tell people you are... you aren't.

   you shouldn't let fear keep you from doing what's right.

   Jogging backwards because I'm trying to gain a little weight

   Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   Wanna be happy and married? Erase the last two words from the previous sentence.

   Lean Cuisine you may have fewer calories and less fat, but you do not satisfy me.  I'm still hungry.   :(

   Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.

   Given his pass completion percentage tonight, it's clear Favre just isn't handling balls like he used to.

   That rather uneasy moment when you tickle someone and they aren't ticklish.

   learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex... and some people wonder why I smile so much around them

   whoever killed him should be awarded Pippa Middleton

   Marco....marco.....marco??? Oh Osama you're not playing anymore?