Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like roads: the more curves they have,the more dangerous they are.

   If we really knew exactly what we were getting into when we decided to have kids, I'm pretty sure we'd be screwed as a species.

   believes Jimmy Buffet said it best. . . "Why dont we get drunk and screw?" Happy St. Patrick's and Hump Day everyone!!!

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   Wanna be happy and married? Erase the last two words from the previous sentence.

   Lean Cuisine you may have fewer calories and less fat, but you do not satisfy me.  I'm still hungry.   :(

   Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.

   Given his pass completion percentage tonight, it's clear Favre just isn't handling balls like he used to.

   Birds of a feather flock together...then sh*t on your car...

   Getting blind drunk off PBR shall now be known as getting a Pabst Smear.

   I just read about a dyslexic cop being fired for operating an IUD checkpoint.

   Until I found Facebook, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.

   I really want to know why Newton discovered gravity when he saw an apple falling. He used to sh*t and I'm sure it didn't fly.

   I always feel like a domestic God after watching Hoarders.

   Mystery: why black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars.

   Yea OK... Like I am the only man who ever wears feathers in his hair from time to time.

   ...roses are red, violets are blue, I'm doing my laundry so I don't smell like you.

   You think of it as an extra hour of sleep..... I think of it as 6 less taps on the snooze button.

   Changing the face can change nothing. But facing the change can change everything.

   The people who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.