Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles..... After all,, You know what they say about old habits.

   This just in..... 2 white males in shootout in Atlanta

   A man can lose alot of money chasing women, but he will never lose a woman chasing money!

   I've decided that I'll never get down to my original weight, and I'm OK with that--After all, 6 pounds 2 oz. is just not realistic.

   wondering why is it that men can shoot a deer between the eyes from 100 feet away but they always miss the toilet bowl?

   People in relationships are so lucky they don't have to worry about what they look like anymore.

   If you've ever taken a baby to a movie, please set yourself on fire. Thanks.

   As a caucasian guy, I'm not allowed to say the "N word" but I can say "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hi Dad."

   Once you go Black, you're a single Mom!!!

   if nothing goes right.... go left!

   How is it that Obama can send a team into another country, kill a man, dump the body in the ocean then go on TV and tell the World about it and everyone cheers...but, if I punch some jerk in the face, I'll go to jail...

   just gave a woman my number in Roman numerals... if she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

   Inside me is a skinny woman screaming to get out. I can usually shut her up with a cookie.

   you can always tell if there's a police car in our area... Everyone in our street flushes their toilets at the same time!

   How come when women do it, they're "cougars," and when I do it, I'm "trespassing on school property"?

   A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums... Unless of course that woman is an alcoholic sexual deviant, then 'real' no longer applies.

   The internet is a great place to turn strangers into enemies.

   Gossip is the devil's radio station,so don't be the dj

   Democrats and Liberalism are both Mental Disorders... deal with them accordingly.

   I saw a gorgeous Thai woman on the subway today. I kept thinking, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection," but then she did.