Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've ever taken a baby to a movie, please set yourself on fire. Thanks.

   As a caucasian guy, I'm not allowed to say the "N word" but I can say "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hi Dad."

   Once you go Black, you're a single Mom!!!

   if nothing goes right.... go left!

   How is it that Obama can send a team into another country, kill a man, dump the body in the ocean then go on TV and tell the World about it and everyone cheers...but, if I punch some jerk in the face, I'll go to jail...

   just gave a woman my number in Roman numerals... if she figures it out, she's worth a shot.

   Inside me is a skinny woman screaming to get out. I can usually shut her up with a cookie.

   you can always tell if there's a police car in our area... Everyone in our street flushes their toilets at the same time!

   How come when women do it, they're "cougars," and when I do it, I'm "trespassing on school property"?

   A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums... Unless of course that woman is an alcoholic sexual deviant, then 'real' no longer applies.

   The internet is a great place to turn strangers into enemies.

   Gossip is the devil's radio station,so don't be the dj

   Democrats and Liberalism are both Mental Disorders... deal with them accordingly.

   I saw a gorgeous Thai woman on the subway today. I kept thinking, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection," but then she did.

   Shot my first turkey yesterday....scared the sh!t out of everybody in the frozen food section!

   wow it's R. Kelly cold out there! And by R. Kelly cold, I mean "in the teens"

   Poke me again, and I will stab you.

   Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

   Happy 8-9-10 day, now make this day count. (little number humor. haha)

   Could someone please call Al Gore and ask him to turn global warming back on?