Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd vote for Darth Vader if I knew he could fix the economy.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   We all have that ONE friend who checks in on Facebook when he is at Hooters and doesn't post pics.... Yeah..... Screw that guy.

   I told my girlfriend I wanted to take her to the fair because it would be romantic...that is better than admitting I just want cotton candy for dinner.

   If we are all unique, doesnt that mean we all have something in common?

   Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.

   I was going to ask my neighbors if they would continue exploding things even though July 4th is over,,, and it's like they read my mind.

   Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.

   There's a difference between kissing ass and ass kissing. One gets you ahead in life the other gets you nowhere.

   Welcome to adulthood. You now try to tolerate people just enough to avoid needing to get the legal system involved.

   When I was a kid I thought Independence Day & July 4th was about fireworks & having fun. T'wasn't until I answered the call and fought for her that it was really about Duty - Honor Love of Country but most of all the Love of Freedom...GOD BLESS AMERICA!

   .... You're offended? ...... Well .... How does it feel to be so weak that words can hurt you?

   Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

   What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

   I caught my third girlfriend cheating on me. I only have two left now, makes me sick.

   I remember when I was younger you use to be able to eat at restaurants.

   Vegetarians don't eat meat but they want their food to look like meat. Got it.

   I'm starting to think that when people tell me "I can't believe you have a child!" they aren't referring to my youthful appearance.

   Many of the problems in Rick James's life could have been avoided if he could have taken Superfreak home to mother.