Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kristen Stewart looks like a sullen boy with no boobs. Thankfully Twilight is over.

   From political deadlock to fiscal cliff to sequester, the American Soap opera "All my White House & Congress' failures" continues to draw national disappointments & worldwide miseries.

   When the interviewer asks "Why do you want to work here?" don't answer "you'll find out!" and laugh maniacally

   Old movies make train travel look so romantic, but who in this day and age has time to solve a murder mystery?

   You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

   If you develop a rash from your new girlfriend then discontinue use immediately.

   I'd vote for Darth Vader if I knew he could fix the economy.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   We all have that ONE friend who checks in on Facebook when he is at Hooters and doesn't post pics.... Yeah..... Screw that guy.

   I told my girlfriend I wanted to take her to the fair because it would be romantic...that is better than admitting I just want cotton candy for dinner.

   If we are all unique, doesnt that mean we all have something in common?

   Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.

   I was going to ask my neighbors if they would continue exploding things even though July 4th is over,,, and it's like they read my mind.

   Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.

   There's a difference between kissing ass and ass kissing. One gets you ahead in life the other gets you nowhere.

   Welcome to adulthood. You now try to tolerate people just enough to avoid needing to get the legal system involved.

   I caught my third girlfriend cheating on me. I only have two left now, makes me sick.

   When I was a kid I thought Independence Day & July 4th was about fireworks & having fun. T'wasn't until I answered the call and fought for her that it was really about Duty - Honor Love of Country but most of all the Love of Freedom...GOD BLESS AMERICA!

   .... You're offended? ...... Well .... How does it feel to be so weak that words can hurt you?