Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meanwhile, on the east coast, thousands of children are changing their costume from pirate to snowboarder.

   On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

   my kids enjoy the free cardboard box and balloons the most

   I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.

   time for all the bloodsuckers to come out again...not Halloween...election time

   Why do people thinks that pressin the elevator button manny times It will come down faster!

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Millions of theorems derived, thousands of formulas created but the fact remains the same. "X" is still unknown! Dammit!

   Hey, incessant seatbelt indicator beeping, I'll outlast you; just like your friend the gas light. You're not the boss of me!!

   there are two rules to getting rich. 1) Don't tell all you know

   Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   It's hard to find a birthday present that says "I think your a douche but I still want a piece of your cake please."

   If I can smell my water, I don't want it.

   Boys have to put forth real effort to get laid, while all girls have to do is stand bra-less in the wind."

   has a awaiting list to accept friend requests, but $50 may get you to the front of the line

   Yes, I've made mistakes, but life didn't come with instructions on.

   NBC is paying Conan O'Brien 30 million dollars to do absolutely nothing. As a result, Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

   Guys Don't Worry about Today, Your Women Can Be Satisfied with Only 8.5 cm ... and It Doesn't Matter If It is VISA or MASTERCARD !!!