Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do forget to set your scale back 10lbs this next week

   Just got her first early Christmas present. A sweater!.. All she really wanted was a moaner or a sceamer.

   A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he's just there to touch your boobs.

   Go ahead, tell a woman she can do whatever she wants, like she wasn't already.

   The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

   Safety Rule #1. Never put your hand where you wouldn't put your willy

   You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight destiny then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too.

   I JUST HEARD THERE IS A COUGAR ON THE LOOSE IN TOWN. I just baited a trap with a Best of air supply cd and a bottle of wine.. I'll catch her

   FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

   When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I'm afraid of the lights.

   My Mother in law Joined ISIS this morning.. She leaves tomorrow on a suicide mission.. At least that's what the papers I just signed said ..

   What's the shelf life of an Elf on a shelf ?

   Got tasered at speed dating again.

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!

   One man's LOL is another man's WTF

   It's like my dad always says, "Stop calling me. I have another family now."

   You call it a "one night stand," I call it "catch and release."

   why is it I can remember every word to ice ice baby but not what I went into the kitchen to get.

   RIP Sid Caesar... always made me smile. A true comedian

   Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil...