Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   Last month,, An ancient tampon was found in a cave in the Yucatan... Archaeologists are not sure which period it's from.

   Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

   Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.

   using your wifi

   I am Nigerian Prince. If you click “like” I send you 17 Billion Dollars. I am very genuinelyness

   If you take a muscle relaxer and a Viagra together you will end up a Gumby with a Pokey.....

   They wouldn't have to ban texting while driving if they would just legalize driving through red lights...

   Relly hopes the weekend comes as quick as some of her exes

   wondering if you have sex with a girl with multiple personalities, is it considered a "orgy"?

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   has multiple personality disorder and so do i

   Just brought some things the the shop..went to pay for it and the lady at to the counter said "1.69 please". I said "Sorry.Can't I pay with money instead?"

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   It's amazing how you can smell so bad, an still be alive.. .

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   I will kill you, alarm clock. And your whole family and anyone you've ever cared about.

   I believe in ghosts. I believe in aliens. But theres no way you will ever persuade me into believing in alien ghosts. Ridiculous.

   There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries

   I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.