Funny Status Messages
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best pickup line of the day..."Ya wanna f**k or do I owe you an apology?" 
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.
Leonard B. Stern inventor of Mad Libs died yesterday of EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. He is survived by his lovely PLATYPUS, CLARABELLE and his 99 LAWN DARTS. He will truly be A DINOSAUR
some days 25 to life just seems like it would be worth it!!!!!
Does anyone else find F5 to be a very refreshing button to press?
it just me, or does Morgan Freeman play god in almost every movie...
I make no apologies for the fact that your balls aren't big enough to handle my personality!
If anyone is truly disappointed by the lack of destruction done by Irene, I will gladly come by & break all your sh*t & leave a few bruises.......
A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey!
I am a Social Drinker, and since facebook is a social network.... I drink while I am on it lol
Happy Discount Chocolate Tuesday!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.
Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.
A pastor was caught by a fellow church member breaking into a church safe. The pastor shouted, “Blessed are those who see no evil, hear no evil and tell no evil” The fellow church member replied, "Amen, for they shall receive their equal share"
Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.
How did Nancy Grace get on TV? She reminds me of someone who qualified to be an office manager of a mobile home park
They say you can't make jokes about blind people, just watch me.
new rule: For every post you don't like, you must post a better one..
Remember when pressing pause on a VCR used to make everyone on the screen have a seizure? 