Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As it turns out Juggalos cannot juggle and now I'm wishing I hadn't invited so many over.

   I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.

   Did you know 4.8 billion people own mobile phones whereas only 4.2 billion own a toothbrush.

   My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed “You’re psychic” to “You’re psycho.”

   Next generation Monopoly pieces: -Croc. -Fedora. -Prius. -iPhone. -Starbucks cup. -A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area.

   If somebody doesn't text me back within 5 minutes I assume they don't love me or that they've died from loving me too much.

   People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it's like UGH moving suuuuuucks.

   When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.

   Just saw a sign in the bathroom that said "Wash Hands Before Returning to Work"....luckily I don't go back to work until next week!

   You used to be able to tell a finicky child his meal was made with love. Now they double check if it's gluten-free love.

   Life has given me many scars. And by 'life' I mean my (several) attempts at rollerblading.

   Anyone have a copy of "Men are from Bars, Women are from Venus" my girlfriend suggested I read it....Don't really need to read it, that's where we met.

   When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.

   Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.

   Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme.

   Hipster haunted house but it's just a Trader Joe's filled with Walmart brand products.

   No thanks, sweatshirts without hoods. I have enough problems already.

   93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.