Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

   I raise my left hand in salute to you sir. RIP Hugh Hefner.

   How fitting is it Hugh Hefner died on hump day

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department

   If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.

   Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve

   How can you tell if a man is blind at a nudist colony? It's not hard.

   BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom? ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

   My calculator is missing the minus button, but on the plus side it still works.

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.

   The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"

   If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged.

   . My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.

   I am about to order a Code Red and one of my kids is going to be surprised that he is Private Santiago