Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't wait for the iPhone 11 to come out that's the fastest phone I could get to check the same three apps thousand times a day.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in a forest and there is no one there to hear it you should still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

   [Eulogy] Bicyclist's Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

   COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running. ME: Hammocking is better than both.

   [At work] What can I do to pass the time?

   If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.

   One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.

   [first day as a soldier] ME: whoa I almost stepped on a land grenade SARGE: mine ME: whoa I almost stepped on your land grenade

   Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

   FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

   turning my gender off to conserve energy

   My wedding will be open casket.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.

   My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.

   A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.