Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need an Old Age app. I just need a mirror.

   Someone greased my downward spiral.

   shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

   Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT.

   Spent most of my early twenties trying to open a pistachio.

   "Life's too short to remove USB safely"

   Back in my day, Nintendo Wii meant you peed your pants because you wouldn't move for hours playing Super Mario Bros.

   Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

   I’m sorry, but some of my classmates look like they went to school with my mom.

   Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

   I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

   The Internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage.

   In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.

   Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

   My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

   When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

   ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

   My current wife doesn't like when I call her that

   Teacher: You failed your exam. Student: You failed to teach me.