Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable....

   Irony is walking into a Hooters and realizing most of the male customers have a "more gifted chest" than the female waitresses.

   A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.

   At this very moment, somewhere in America, a black Prius is slowing someone down in the fast lane.

   Please disregard my one Sharpie eyebrow. There was a gray hair incident I'd rather not speak of.

   "What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario

   My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

   Quick Question: How can I protect my family online without the gun emoji?

   My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.

   I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.

   Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.

   I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.

   Milk chocolate and dark chocolate is the difference between happy and sad.

   I can't imagine anyone let alone the B-52's walked outta the Love Shack STD free.

   Always hoped to be unwed and financially unstable in my 30s and here I am, killing it.

   Once you're 40, friendships fade; lives move on. Which is good, because you need all that new free time to stare at your neck in the mirror.

   "Day drinking"? Listen, kids, when I was young it wasn't called that. We used its full name: "Jesus, Phyllis, it's not even noon."

   Two mice at Petco were fighting to run on the same poop-covered wheel, which is a decent analogy for trying to meet your soulmate in a bar.

   I refuse to tell cashiers how my day is.....

   I'm going to eat a chocolate bar today in memory of Gene Wilder. And tomorrow. And the next day. I actually have been doing this for weeks.