Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   So...if all Cinderalla's clothes turned back to rags at midnight, how did that one slipper stay glass? Maybe she should have ripped off all her clothes instead.

   Now I know where the YouTube commenters hang out when they're waiting for the new Nickelback video debut.

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......

   When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

   Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.

   Asked to switch seats on the Plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, thats not allowed if the baby is yours.

   Former 3rd world countries are perfect for hipsters. So many abandoned buildings to turn into cafes.

   Never seen a pair of high heels hanging over a telephone wire. Always sneakers. Someone get on that.

   The last time I had sex was when Tom Selleck was in a good movie.

   I don’t wish there were more hours in the day, but I could use a few more at night.

   I don't really care about your opinion of me, but I met a dog earlier that didn't like me and it's still messing with me....

   Dad Tip #31: Carpeting can help dampen the sound of noisy children. Especially if you roll them up in it.

   Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?

   A Ticketmaster settlement means free event tickets. Most popular: Charlie Sheen reads from the phone book & The Orange Man Group.

   *Slices up lemons right in front of life*