Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......

   When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

   Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.

   Science: About 71% of the Earth's surface is covered by water Parents: The rest is covered by Pokémon cards, Legos, and something sticky

   Spent 20 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.

   Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.

   Asked to switch seats on the Plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, thats not allowed if the baby is yours.

   Former 3rd world countries are perfect for hipsters. So many abandoned buildings to turn into cafes.

   Never seen a pair of high heels hanging over a telephone wire. Always sneakers. Someone get on that.

   The last time I had sex was when Tom Selleck was in a good movie.

   I don’t wish there were more hours in the day, but I could use a few more at night.

   I don't really care about your opinion of me, but I met a dog earlier that didn't like me and it's still messing with me....

   Dad Tip #31: Carpeting can help dampen the sound of noisy children. Especially if you roll them up in it.

   Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?

   A Ticketmaster settlement means free event tickets. Most popular: Charlie Sheen reads from the phone book & The Orange Man Group.

   *Slices up lemons right in front of life*

   Cargo pants for babies?!?! You know, it's a place to put all the important stuff that babies carry with them.

   A balloon gives my kids a solid hour of entertainment: 3 minutes of fighting over who gets the balloon, 57 minutes of crying after it pops.

   Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.

   "Heck .... If we return EVERYTHING to it's original State ..... Then NOTHING .... Shall ever Improve" ......( future man )