Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn't let you skip.

   My dad used to always tell me that ..... "A little work never hurt anybody!" ... I really took his advice seriously. So I try to do as little work as possible.

   All I need to do is find a woman who is as pathetic as me and I will live happily ever after.

   All of these years in therapy have finally paid off folks... Turns out my therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   ...... .♫♪♫..... it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas... ♫♪♫

   ....... HA ... The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas as if she weren't going to see me 12 more times before then.

   Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.

   I realized how pathetic I am,,, When the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignored my knock knock joke...

   Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

   It's always cute when people say "looks don't matter".

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

   Marriage Lifelesson: Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   So...if all Cinderalla's clothes turned back to rags at midnight, how did that one slipper stay glass? Maybe she should have ripped off all her clothes instead.

   Now I know where the YouTube commenters hang out when they're waiting for the new Nickelback video debut.

   Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.