Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Maroon 5 : Patriots 3 :Rams 0

   I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.

   I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."

   One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...

   When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.

   "Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks

   Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment

   Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

   "Let the bodies hit the floor" sounds like a sequel to "It's raining men"

   I am now at the point in my life where I’m excited about finding change on the ground.

   Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?

   If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

   Trick Daddy and Trina are not Super Bowl material. They are barely toilet bowl material.

   A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?

   it just me... or does Orange Juice taste funny without Vodka.

   Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices