Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just me... or does Orange Juice taste funny without Vodka.

   Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

   Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Corona virus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone's almost out of toilet paper.

   This week's weather forcast...Monday: Room Temperature Tuesday: Room Temperature Wednesday: Room Temperature Thursday: Room Temperature Friday: Room Temperature

   2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead. 2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

   Gas is so cheap right now, I don’t even have to shake the handle after I fill up

   Pro Tip: Add some chicken bones and bay leaves to canned soup and everyone will think you made it.

   I'LL TRADE YOU A 12 PACK OF TOILET PAPER FOR A POUND OF HAMBURGER

   Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

   If I had a dollar for eveytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream

   I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

   I know how can cure the Coronavirus. Stop socializing! And you could give me the Nobel Peace Prize later thank you.

   Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Maroon 5 : Patriots 3 :Rams 0

   I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.