Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.

   I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   If anyone ever asks you what would Jesus do? Remind them that flipping over tables and chasing them with a whip is within the realms of possibilities...Matthew 21:12 :)

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down

   I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."

   My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."

   Robert Kraft's prostitution arrest. Voluntary exchange of sex and compensation between consenting adults. Kinda like marriage.

   Dear R.Kelly you have no idea how much trouble Urine

   I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   just because you're on vacation doesn't give you the right to take a picture of every cocktail or check in at every bar. That falls in the category of, "I could care less"

   a gift to AMERICA .....President's BIRTH certificate and Bin Laden's DEATH certificate!!

   hey did you guys hear? The Apprentice was interrupted by some special news report....

   So with all that news last week about the iPhone 4 tracking all kinds of stuff, makes me wonder....did Bin Laden have an iPhone 4?

   Somewhere, In An Afterlife, Sir Henry Cooper Is Beating Seven Shades  Out Of Osama Bin Laden :)