Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used

   I got kicked out of the threesome for singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.”

   Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right now.

   If the paleo diet works so well, why did the Flintstones need vitamins?

   There are GOOD COPS and BAD COPS. It is time for more people to shout out the BAD cops and thank the GOOD cops.

   So Bayer is buying out Monsanto and will be retiring the infamous Monsanto name. Rest assured that going forward, industrial-strength agri-chemicals will be no more dangerous than Aspirin.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if he knew his descendent would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees you and your man bun.

   GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died! ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

   I bought a camo shirt the other day and now I can't find the damn thing...

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   just because you're on vacation doesn't give you the right to take a picture of every cocktail or check in at every bar. That falls in the category of, "I could care less"

   a gift to AMERICA .....President's BIRTH certificate and Bin Laden's DEATH certificate!!

   hey did you guys hear? The Apprentice was interrupted by some special news report....

   So with all that news last week about the iPhone 4 tracking all kinds of stuff, makes me wonder....did Bin Laden have an iPhone 4?

   Somewhere, In An Afterlife, Sir Henry Cooper Is Beating Seven Shades  Out Of Osama Bin Laden :)

   I still say I heard someone talking from under that sheet when we tossed the body overboard, but whatever. Can't go back in time.

   was preparing for Sunday, but I just realized that post-rapture looting makes no sense because so many of us will still be here. Particularly people in public office and law enforcement.... : (