Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.

   [first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

   me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

   What do Beer producers bother with an expiration date. Who are we kidding?

   Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they worship satan.

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   Ladies, we are not officially old until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of our faces.

   "China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."

   So does Caitlyn Jenner get a half-day off? #Daywithoutwomen

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing

   Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Never trust atoms. They make up everything

   My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.

   I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

   Shouldn't a female Pit Bull be called a Pit Cow?

   Congrats Khloe Kardashian! You're father was granted parole!