Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for the way they chew.

   They’re called mimosas because breakfast booze sounds too alcoholic-y.

   plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo

   *First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"

   They can quit giving me phone books. Just saying

   She's not a slut, you guys... She just doesn't want anyone to feel left out.

   you don’t get to say “long story short” 30 minutes into your stupid story about men, Janet.

   Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line

   Don't you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick???

   There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a pub.

   How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

   I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we have live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.

   Just heard a guy at the park tell his dog "NO!!!" and then more in a whisper, " We already talked about this!!!"

   If women wrote Valentines Candy Hearts: "Not 2nite", "Did you fart?", "Pick up your socks", "R you listening", "Oh, and another thing", and "U snore".

   Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.

   I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   If I have 10 pieces of bacon and you take 5, what do you have? That's right! A black eye and a broken hand...

   Sometimes people want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...."Who ties your shoelaces for you?"