Funny Status Messages

   Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

   I passed out on the sidewalk, because a jeep full of douchebags, wearing too much Axe Body spray just went by.

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...

   Life is way too short to have matching socks.

   Your coffee was getting cold - Was the best excuse I could come up with after my boss caught me farting in his beverage.

   Sometimes I think lonely and crazy go hand in hand.

   The Mars Rover sends a signal to Earth from the edge of space and my cell phone cant go under a bridge without dropping a call? Screw you Sprint!

   Maybe if you had a perfect attendance record in school as you do in the club your life would be better off.

   Nothing’s forever. Forever’s a lie. All we have is what’s between hello and goodbye.

   Alberto Morales found out the hard way that you, "Don't mess with Texas!"

   I only watch porn to get decorating ideas.

   I saw what Kristen Stewart looked like and started laughing so hard I totally forgot what I was gonna say...

   I'm the kind of guy who brings Band Aids to a knife fight.

   Seeing a unicorn would be incredible and all, until you realize a wild animal with a spike on its head tends to enjoy spearing things to death.

   Black smoke; no Pope has been chosen, White smoke; a Pope has been chosen, blue smoke; the pope mobile is running rich.

   I wish I were a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. "Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?!

   One man's birthday is another man's free liquor day.

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret...

   Hey let me give a gift that will take a week to put together. I have included the manual and a DVD....Have Fun

   On a day like Valentine's Day, some of the most dispiriting things single people can endure are the possibility of eternal solitude, questioning your own desirability, and worst of all, realizing the snap you just received is from Team Snapchat.