Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows that her house wont clean itself, but thinks that it really should make the effort!!!

   "You think you're better than me?" No, I don't fall prey to the notion that one person can be 'better' than another. How good a person is, is completely impossible to quantify. I do think I'm smarter than you, though. And infinitely more awesome.

   I'm willing to bet the first medicine man was really just a lazy fat ass who figured out a way to get out of hunting or gathering.

   Theres too much blood in my caffeine system!!

   Sure, I've got buns of steel. Just look in the breadbox.

   Ok,,, I really like you Thursday, but it's Friday I truly love. It's not that I'm not happy when i'm with you, it's just that Friday does so much more for me!!!

   She says she doesn't have to change her relationship status on Facebook to show her love? It's because she's still banging her ex.

   According to the new astrological signs, astrology is still complete bullsh!t.

   needs to have a fixed income... mine is broken.

   credits Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher.

   ever have one of those days when you wish you had the Cone of Silence so you could scream your lungs out without anyone hearing you after debating with a friend who is stuck on stupid?

   There is a day just for humping??!! Why wasn't I notified about this sooner?!

   will never understand rich people with messed up teeth.

   I'm just not that into you.....when I'm sober.

   once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.

   When is the excessive use of the word 'swagg' going to die already. Getting tired of hearing it in every rap song. Bad enough people don't even know the true meaning of it.

   Feds are indicting Clemens for perjury, said they knew he was on steriods when they saw his nose grow

   Did a Facebook search for childhood friends. Found out they're still people but DID NOT ADD THEM. That's how you use Facebook. For stalking.

   Dishes done....check.....laundry folded....check.....kids in bed.....check. And my wife says I am emasculated! Maybe I should look it up in the dictionary to see what it really means....

   the first to the fridge, the first to the couch, and most importantly the first to the remote. What it is to be a true champion......