Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

   credits Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher.

   ever have one of those days when you wish you had the Cone of Silence so you could scream your lungs out without anyone hearing you after debating with a friend who is stuck on stupid?

   There is a day just for humping??!! Why wasn't I notified about this sooner?!

   "You think you're better than me?" No, I don't fall prey to the notion that one person can be 'better' than another. How good a person is, is completely impossible to quantify. I do think I'm smarter than you, though. And infinitely more awesome.

   I'm willing to bet the first medicine man was really just a lazy fat ass who figured out a way to get out of hunting or gathering.

   Theres too much blood in my caffeine system!!

   Sure, I've got buns of steel. Just look in the breadbox.

   Ok,,, I really like you Thursday, but it's Friday I truly love. It's not that I'm not happy when i'm with you, it's just that Friday does so much more for me!!!

   She says she doesn't have to change her relationship status on Facebook to show her love? It's because she's still banging her ex.

   Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young

   whenever I see a guy that looks better then me, I immediately get intimadated that he's gonna take all the girls from me, but later I find out there not into girls. so, it all works out."

   DAMN! Its a preview of Hell outside today!!!

   wondering if I'll ever be mature enough to stop laughing at the word "duty".

   Thanks to Facebook, I no longer check breaking news, celebrity obituaries or wonder what the current weather is like.

   The WHO has declared the flu pandemic officially over. It's good news but I'm not sure I trust Roger Daltry.

   Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

   According to the new astrological signs, astrology is still complete bullsh!t.

   needs to have a fixed income... mine is broken.

   Starting my new excercise routine- I am tired of looking like I have two sets of breasts.