Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

   I just found an old box of condoms in my dresser, than I noticed the "use by" date....... As if I'm not under enough pressure! It's been a slow year.

   i want to listen to you, but i'm really thinking about snacks.

   Life and I have creative differences.

   snaxting a thing? Like texting each other pictures of your snacks? Because I kind of think I'd be good at that.

   There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.

   Nice night for a swim...in a pool of vodka and bad decisions.

   I'm not the one to come to with weight problems. This girl's like, 'My legs are so fat.' I say, 'No, they're in proportion to your arms'

   Mayans lol...and to think MTV started "Punked"!!

   Heading into Wal-mart on Christmas Eve. If I don't make it out alive, I just want to say it has been great knowing you all.

   Grandma turned 84 today,Hope she like's the push up bra I got her.

   Yard sales: When you want people to pay for your garbage!

   Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.

   I feel like tap dancing… on someone's face with golf shoes on

   Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry. But it's one that actually works.

   The only way to kill a mime is to shoot it with blanks.

   "When you put a Sea-shell up to your ear, you can hear the ocean" ..... Duh! Hey Dumb a$$, why don't you drop the shell that you just picked up off the beach and turn around? *tada* there's the ocean......Shhhhhhhh.......now listen.

   Its a pity Gadhafi died without revealing' where he bought all those cool sunglasses....smh

   You know your ass is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo

   My hometown is great for sightseeing if you want to see the People of Walmart in their natural habitat.