Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For those of you not getting the V or the D, Happy alentines ay.

   So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

   I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

   In Other News: A woman can have 104 guys chasing her and still want the douche that doesn't want her.

   Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.

   I now identify as a person who wants his own private bathroom while in public.

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert.

   The first rule of the Condescending Club is.... Oh, nevermind. You'd never understand even if I explained it to you..

   Shock collars, but for co-workers

   I'm "All the kids were free-range kids" years old.

   Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun

   I see the FB privacy hoax is back again. This should be a fun night

   Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""

   I was sober for 15 straight years but on my 16th birthday I decided that I've had enough.

   The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*

   9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I 'm crazy. One hums ...

   Sorry I played your newborn like an air guitar. Also if you cut me off during Master of Puppets again you can find a new babysitter.

   I'm rarely wrong, I mean mistaken.

   ME: "Hello, Front Desk, Can I get a wakeup call please?" FRONT DESK: "You're 37, unemployed, single, and haven't saved a penny for retirement" ME: "Thanks"

   Twitter..the Walmart of social media.