Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old

   If bigger is better...explain lesbians.

   Adam Siliver = H.N.I.C.

   .... Boko Haram is the reason drones were invented.

   Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing,,Me, So the neighbors don't think I'm beating you

   The Cubs are so bad that the last time they won a World Series, the team photo was an oil painting.

   For those of you not getting the V or the D, Happy alentines ay.

   So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

   I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

   In Other News: A woman can have 104 guys chasing her and still want the douche that doesn't want her.

   Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.

   I now identify as a person who wants his own private bathroom while in public.

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert.

   The first rule of the Condescending Club is.... Oh, nevermind. You'd never understand even if I explained it to you..

   Shock collars, but for co-workers

   I'm "All the kids were free-range kids" years old.

   Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun

   I see the FB privacy hoax is back again. This should be a fun night

   Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""