Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best part of the Oscars was The Good Morning America commercial where Charlie Sheen says "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen!"

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   I used to suffer from major blackouts. This one time,...I have no idea what happened.

   The test of Love is not how long it survives, but how it renews itself with each passing day.

   A bird in the hand~~~is the best way to eat chicken.

   "We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm." -- George Orwell, via the US Navy SEALS

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   the comfort I get from bringing my own pillow on the plane doesn't quite outweigh the shame of carrying my own pillow thru the airport

   Today is one of the few days of the year I can pretend to be a Kardashian (do nothing and get paid for it).

   To those who've been to hell & back, screwed by life, broke their hearts, yet still managed to keep a smile on... ...My utmost respect.

   I'm a tiger in bed. I will rip your leg off if you wake me up.

   wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.

   I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet.

   If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.

   Admit it or not, there's an undeniable satisfaction when your ex replaces you with someone who looks like a double from Planet of the Apes.

   Dating is a lot like fishin'. Sometimes catch and release is the best method.

   Those who have talent will use it. Those who have none will exploit themselves. Looking at you Miley Cyrus.

   Stop the world, I want to get off!

   Hugh Hefner is getting married again, to a 26 year old. If I were to marry someone that much younger than me, I'm 54, I would have to wait another six years for her to be born.

   "You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.