Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to see the original blue prints for the city Starship built on rock and roll.

   REAL Rednecks read bedtime stories using their best "monster truck" voice.

   cant wait till the kids get older so I dont have to bring in the groceries

   the kinda guy your mother warned you about. Warned you not to let get away because a good man is hard to find.

   Remember: warning labels exist because someone failed at using the product correctly. scary when you think about windshield sun covers and the warning "do not drive while intact"

   I have discovered that after a huge argument makeup sex isn't all that great if the argument was with yourself.

   Hangover in progress.....please do not disturb. I think I have the >>wine flu this morning..............

   Best part of the Oscars was The Good Morning America commercial where Charlie Sheen says "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen!"

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   I used to suffer from major blackouts. This one time,...I have no idea what happened.

   The test of Love is not how long it survives, but how it renews itself with each passing day.

   A bird in the hand~~~is the best way to eat chicken.

   "We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm." -- George Orwell, via the US Navy SEALS

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   the comfort I get from bringing my own pillow on the plane doesn't quite outweigh the shame of carrying my own pillow thru the airport

   Today is one of the few days of the year I can pretend to be a Kardashian (do nothing and get paid for it).

   To those who've been to hell & back, screwed by life, broke their hearts, yet still managed to keep a smile on... ...My utmost respect.

   I'm a tiger in bed. I will rip your leg off if you wake me up.

   wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.

   I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet.