Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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When I was her age I was riding a bicycle, not d!ck. 
1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother George. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's George.
Tim Tebow's Easter sermon ended abruptly when he was replaced by Peyton Manning halfway through it.
What's the difference between Penn State and the State Penn??? Sandusky will be catching not pitching!
I hate when I see the skinniest people at the gym, Why are you there, YOU WON ALREADY!
Are the people that leave their Christmas lights on the house and just turn them on in December smart or just plain lazy??
thank you for the thousands and thousands of reminders letting me know what today is. Good job Thanks!! Keep me posted!
Dreaming of the person you want to be is wasting the person you already are.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Thank you and good night, drive safely, I'll be here all week.
"Follow your heart" is the biggest bunch of bullsh*t Ive ever heard!!!
saw an amazing looking girl the other day wearing a T-Shirt that said 'Fight Poverty'. So to impress her, I ran over and punched a tramp.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no
drink up everybody! Its somebody's birthday today.
Release the hounds Smithers!
I wonder if they have a minute of silence at a mime's funeral?
OSHA has determined that the safe load capacity on my butt is 2, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line behind my wife and boss to ride my @ss today, please wait patiently.
Wanted to treat myself to something expensive today..So I went and got gas for my car
How do you put an end to the circus?.........Go for the juggler! 