Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thank you for the thousands and thousands of reminders letting me know what today is. Good job Thanks!! Keep me posted!

   Dreaming of the person you want to be is wasting the person you already are.

   The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

   Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Thank you and good night, drive safely, I'll be here all week.

   "Follow your heart" is the biggest bunch of bullsh*t Ive ever heard!!!

   What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no

   drink up everybody! Its somebody's birthday today.

   Release the hounds Smithers!

   I wonder if they have a minute of silence at a mime's funeral?

   OSHA has determined that the safe load capacity on my butt is 2, unless I install hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line behind my wife and boss to ride my @ss today, please wait patiently.

   Wanted to treat myself to something expensive today..So I went and got gas for my car

   How do you put an end to the circus?.........Go for the juggler!

   If my calculations are correct... Switching to Geico from Allstate, then transferring your policy to State Farm, only to drop them and switch to Progressive.... Auto insurance will be free!

   LOVE ~ It's a special kind of stupid.....

   My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.

   What's the point of the Psychic Hotline if they won't tell me where my other shoe is?!?

   No Facebook, I don't want to have you as my home page. I actually have a life -_-

   Osama had porn, Pepsi, Coke, TV, strange drugs, three women and more! Are you sure we killed Osama Bin Laden and not Charlie Sheen?

   Now that the world is ending this Saturday, making plans for the weekend will be so much easier