Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.

   Today is Boxing Day in Canada. Or, as we in America call it; WTF is Boxing Day??

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM... still nobody texts me.

   Here are my 4 favorite quotes: " " " "

   the fact that Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend is proof that guys are idiots...

   Oh... you pay for Netflix and iTunes? I see you don't know how to really use the internet.

   Every time I post,, I get a rush like I'm releasing a little animal into the wild... A hideous, deformed animal that no one will ever love...

   Guy: I love u. Girl: Aww really? Boy: Yep, Its my favorite vowel.

   Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 332 words.

   Dear boys with no shirt in their profile picture, I like your phone. Sincerely, hunny you have no abs

   Why haven't they proved/disproved the myth "Once you go black you never go back" on Myth Busters?

   A surprise threesome is a great way to show your girlfriend that you really do like her friends.

   People learn english all the time, It arent that hard

   Real eyes realize real lies.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a little tiny bit of BS around your lips.

   I've just got a nice little part-time job at the local funeral home.I only work mournings.

   I will cause a 12-car pileup before I let you last-minute merge.

   how are those refugees in Europe working out for you

   I accidently grabbed the wrong shopping cart at Walmart and I'm hoping this kid stops crying because I am not going to raise a crybaby!

   When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.