Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : Jesus says to John, "Come forth and I shall give you eternal life"....John came in fifth...He won a toaster.

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend…until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a parking lot...

   President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

   a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!

   On Sunday, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour. And on Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years...VOTE!!!

   Rihanna sings about how chains and whips excite her. I wonder if her ancestors felt the same way!

   Growing old but never up

   Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

   blowing stuff up with his mind....

   My coffee is so black and strong it just punched me in the face and stole my wallet.

   getting into shape; and the shape I have chosen is 'Triangle'.

   My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician!!

   The dislikes for the above post...guess where THEY live?

   no more ducks, Deens, gators, survivalist-preppers, Amish Mafia, snake handlers, moonshiners & hillbillie loggers for 2014. C'mon tv channels, you're better than that, stop with the stupid crap

   Ugghhh ! I literaly just saw a chicken cross the road in front of my car,,, and FORGOT to stop and ask him why......... (Stupid,stupid,stupid,me)

   Nowdays spending time thinking for a gud status is quite easier than searching for it here

   Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once Id like to see a drug commercial that says, May cause extreme awesomeness.

   Sometimes, when I am bored I like to recreate "Hungry Hungry Hippos" by going to Weight Watchers and rolling meatballs across the floor.

   I just posted my suicide note on Facebook. It already has 120 likes.