Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shes great on the piano but she sucks on the organ lol

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.

   So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!

   Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."

   The most painful & worst possible types of goodbyes, are the ones that are never said, or never even explained

   Any man can admire your frame but a real man will admire the masterpiece within the frame.

   From now on I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly a F@$&@ng idiot.

   Come to think of it, the sinking of the Titanic was probably viewed as a miracle by the lobsters in the kitchen.

   My dad said if I keep typing really loudly he's going to smash my face into the keynvjkFh;whg

   Too bad no one here has watched enough comedies to be a comedian...

   to the burger king employee, with the man Mayo. if you want to make 15 dollars a hour get a real job

   No Grandma, EBOLA is not a new perfume from Kim Kardashian

   Dont have phone sex You might get hearing aids

   Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

   When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can't get any worse, please remember...I don't give a s$it.

   Julian Assange(Wikileaks) gives private info. on corporations to you for free and he's the villain. Mark Zuckerberg gives your private info. to corporations for money and he's Man of The Year.

   I'm planning a trip to the Virgin Islands. Trust me.. when I get back, you can just refer to them as the Islands.

   I bet people at my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

   "Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.

   Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait... Regular or Asian?