Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a cop shoots a thug everyone blames the person. When a kid shoots a school, everyone blames the gun...

   Like a Kamikaze pilot, I stay fly till I die.

   having one of those days where I just want to light somebody's face on fire and try putting it out with a fork!

   a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

   I might not have all the best things in life, but I always make the best of the things I do have.

   wishes the planet Pluto was still considered a planet. Happy birthday Pluto (Feb 18, 1930-Aug 24, 2006)

   I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, I couldn't find any!

   insured by Smith and Wesson

   Synonym - a word one uses when you can't spell the other one!

   I was in a Spelling Bee onze. But I lost bekause the other students cheeted.

   a doctor goes into work one day and asks his secretaryif it was wrong to have sex with his patients. runs him out of office and screams "OF COURSE UR A VET!!!

   So I'm giving up drinking..Hard liquor..On Wednesdays..In June..Next year..(Maybe..)

   Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

   For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

   Today I went to IKEA and hid in the wardrobes. And every time someone opened the doors I welcomed them to Narnia!

   I know there are boy ladybugs, but what do you call them?

   Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

   364 shopping days 'til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.

   "Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.