Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

   Rise and shine? At the same time? It can only be one or the other.

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   Turns out wasps aren’t calmed by smoke like honeybees are and now I have an arson charge

   An Einstein bagel and a Smart Water for breakfast... Somehow I feel dumb paying $13 for that.

   My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

   It's remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.

   Haven’t been able to show my face at the nearby McDonalds since I accidentally asked for a happy ending.

   And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.

   Friends are like farts, the loudest ones always have the least substance.

   I like that you hate me a little. It shows respect.

   I’m the way I am because of that very first time I sneezed and no one blessed me.

   Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is

   *breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that

   Just BUY the klondike bar. What's the big deal?

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   When Jimmy Garoppolo said he watches a lot of film, I thought it was talking about football

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."