Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.

   I'm working on my resume. Should I use the term "mad skillz" or would "mad skills" be more formal?

   says "Dyslexics are teople poo"

   Noticed an ASPCA-sponsored bumper sticker shaped like a milk bone that said 'I sleep with dogs.' I thought it was pretty cute. Then the guy and his not-so-pretty wife got out of the truck. Oh the irony!

   Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

   Please talk to my face, my breasts can't hear you.

   Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"

   A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

   The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.

   No, your *other* counterclockwise.

   Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

   when the roomates away, in my underwear I will stay

   I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

   Steve Gerrard "The whole team is behind Rob Green". In retrospect, that's a good place to stand from now on

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   The most disturbing part of those Orkin commercials is that the people seem used to speaking with 6 foot tall insects.

   This old lady was tailgating me so I slammed on my brakes...I think I gave her a heart attack, at least thats what the paramedics said

   tried living every day as if it was his last, but all that did was ruin his credit.

   If sugar cookies are made with sugar, chocolate chip cookies are made with chocolate chips, what are Girl Scout cookies made with?

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.