Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

   Please talk to my face, my breasts can't hear you.

   Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"

   A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

   The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.

   No, your *other* counterclockwise.

   Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. ....What a sad state of affairs.

   If you pull them up high enough, any underwear becomes a thong.

   If you're going to poke me, you better buy me dinner first.

   has come to realize that my job is like an episode of "LOST". Confusing, filled with a lot of interesting characters and just when I think I have it figured out - everything changes.

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   The most disturbing part of those Orkin commercials is that the people seem used to speaking with 6 foot tall insects.

   This old lady was tailgating me so I slammed on my brakes...I think I gave her a heart attack, at least thats what the paramedics said

   tried living every day as if it was his last, but all that did was ruin his credit.

   If sugar cookies are made with sugar, chocolate chip cookies are made with chocolate chips, what are Girl Scout cookies made with?

   A dress is like a barbed wire fence. It protects the premises without obstructing the view.

   The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French person would say after a really raunchy fart.

   Even Heaven has a Wall .... a Gate ..... and Extreme Vetting to get in .....

   Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"