Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Men. When a woman says she doesn't want to talk about it, you'd better shut up, grab a chair and get ready to listen…for hours.

   You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.

   You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.

   Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets.

   Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.

   If you have a Democrat passenger, you get free parking in the handicap zone.

   naked under his clothes

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!

   Teacher asks Billy; “If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?” Billy; “Five”

   I find it weird that we still use animals for product testing when there are at least 37 million Bieber fans out there.

   marriage? no thanks I can't mate in captivity.

   I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone. Who knew they made one night stands!?

   If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes

   maybe I'm not pretty, nice, funny, popular, hot or charming...but at least; I'M NOT FAKE!

   Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

   Heres one for MythBusters: See if she can really suck a golf ball thru a garden hose.

   Girls gain weight because their brains can't hold all the info so it spreads to other places. Therefore she's not fat, she's a genius.

   wondering why women can't remember to put the toilet seat up after they are finished?

   Q: How many drugs did Charlie Sheen take? A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

   The only wet dream I had about you was when you got hit by a bus and I pissed my pants laughing