Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Squirrelly, squirrelly on the street--you shoulda been quicker on your feet.

   Beyonce is pregnant. She should of put a Nuva Ring on it

   Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding!

   Yesterday I changed the name of my WiFi to 'Hack if you can'. Today it was called 'Challenge Accepted'

   Still haven't heard Obama or GOP candidates say anything about getting rid of Jersey Shore or deporting Justin Bieber back to Canada…

   Dear Men. When a woman says she doesn't want to talk about it, you'd better shut up, grab a chair and get ready to listen…for hours.

   You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.

   You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.

   Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets.

   Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.

   If you have a Democrat passenger, you get free parking in the handicap zone.

   naked under his clothes

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!

   Teacher asks Billy; “If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?” Billy; “Five”

   I find it weird that we still use animals for product testing when there are at least 37 million Bieber fans out there.

   marriage? no thanks I can't mate in captivity.

   I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone. Who knew they made one night stands!?

   If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes

   Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

   maybe I'm not pretty, nice, funny, popular, hot or charming...but at least; I'M NOT FAKE!