Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.

   Everyone up north, please post more pics of ice.

   You can't borrow my phone because you might go through my contacts and see what I really call you.

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   "There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor

   50 Shades of Grey beat Sponge Bob at the weekend box office. Sponge Bob could have stayed at number 1 but he refused to remove his square-pants

   They say don't burn bridges you may have to cross later. I say I don't mind swimming if the bridge was f--ked up to begin with.

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kiddin. Be afraid, be very afraid.

   I take solace in knowing that somewhere in a parallel universe my life is spiraling into control.

   maybe they should do like a Hunger Games city version....Ferguson vs Baltimore

   I wonder if Brad Pitt gets sad on Christmas when one of his kids asks what's in the box

   My first thought upon waking up in the morning is "fuuuuck, not again."

   Someone give Green Day a nudge...it's October tomorrow....

   I wore matching bra n panties for this?

   I can't wait until people start posting pics of the temperature display in their car. I'm waiting on pins and needles to see how hot it is where you are.

   I have a female anatomy medical chart above my bed to use as a reference if I ever get lucky again*

   Kanye West calls himself Yeezus because he can turn, "Not winning a Grammy Award" into whine.

   I signed up for eharmony and it keeps matching me up with local Baskin Robbins.

   "Herrreee kitty, kitty, kitty" ~ Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   I was in a gang once — we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.