Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.

   Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.

   Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?

   I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my wife is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

   Whenever my boss calls me into her office my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.

   Brooms are standing and strippers are falling. What's this world coming to

   Thanks, but I think I'll pass on clicking on your link that scans all my personal facebook information into some unknown database to tell me what color my aura is.

   In Scotland, it's illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. I just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down.

   There are 3 certainties in life -death -taxes -anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

   Flip phones are coming back into style which means I'll finally look cool using my old one that's more streamlined and cost $1,400 less.

   Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, and number, a special character, and emoji, eight elements of the periodic table and a short story with a protagonist, character development and a plot twist at the end

   A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"

   A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.

   Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don't want Mom to see

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

   Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

   If this really turns out to be the end of days there are a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses that I owe an apology to.

   Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona." - Weird Al Yankovic