Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   Did everybody see the trailer for the new Free Willy movie? They kept on showing it on the news.

   the cops just found a body with no brain, saggy boobs, dirty undies, and a food stamp card. I'm really worried..are you okay?

   Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   Hi this is Bob barker encouraging yoiu to help stop the spread of crappy music. Have your Beiber spayed or neutered.

   Plan A: Marry hot girl Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook Plan C: Ramen Noodles.

   Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.

   Even in the Olympics, women's basketball is unwatchable.

   No special plans tonight, but I'm thinking about throwing rocks at a foreign embassy and then grilling some burgers. Hit me up if you wanna join? My mom is coming too....

   Bacon shortage? Can't we just sacrifice Rosie Odonnell and fix it?

   Oh man, I almost forgot about The Alamo.

   Its That time of the year to start wearing my Christmas outfit. Its all black, I have less chances of being seen when I am out at night rearranging peoples yard deer in to sex poses. I just feel Christmas needs more Ninjas!

   Girls just wanna have funds

   Wow, New Orleans sure is black!

   If you preach hatred to your children,you can expect never ending bloodshed.

   The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history :)

   i know this is gonna be misinterpreted, but I've been sitting on hard wood for an hour, and my ass is killing me!

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   Ladies...if the wind blows, and you hear a whistle...the 'gap' is no longer sexy, and you might want to consider different pants...