Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DEAR HATERS, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT....'awesome' ends with "me"and 'ugly' starts with "u"

   if 666 is considered evil, then is 25.8069 the root of all evil?

   How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you? Oh c'mon guys... It's a piece of cake!

   Goodnight IRS...Goodnight DHS...Goodnight CIA... Goodnight NSA...Goodnight FBI...Goodnight Barack...Goodnight John Boy.

   The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

   I'm sorry I took your daughters virginity. It won't happen again.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   Relationships are like sharing a book. It doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

   I am nicknaming you "Big toe" cause sooner or later I am going to bang you on the coffee table.

   Have you ever held your money and ever thought "I hope this hasn't been up a stripper's butt"...

   Always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

   Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.

   I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

   successfully licked one of his elbows!

   A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression. Its called trycoxagain

   getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death

   statusless.

   Why is a school zone speed limit 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

   Was going to complain about the people downstairs having loud s*x, but they finished before I could type this status, I think premature ejaculation is probably punishment enough

   If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.