Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to visit my grandpa in the home and I asked him, Grandpa , do you know who I am.. He said NO , but if you go to the desk , they'll tell you .

   Do bone spurs keep someone out of jail? I'm asking for a friend.

   When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical. When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

   The main difference between a nudist and a streaker is speed.

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonalds this morning . His mom was furious.

   I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.

   A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

   Serena Williams said she'd rather lose than cheat while her coach admitted to cheating....

   Your quarantine name is your first name followed by your last name.

   Arguing on social media never changes anyones minds. Change my mind

   Those three magical words: “Where’s the plunger?”

   Her: Men just want one thing and its disgusting. me- Then you need to wash it!

   still misses someone. But his aim is improving!

   Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months form now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place.

   Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

   DEAR HATERS, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT....'awesome' ends with "me"and 'ugly' starts with "u"

   if 666 is considered evil, then is 25.8069 the root of all evil?

   How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you? Oh c'mon guys... It's a piece of cake!

   Goodnight IRS...Goodnight DHS...Goodnight CIA... Goodnight NSA...Goodnight FBI...Goodnight Barack...Goodnight John Boy.