Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Subway always charges more than 5 bucks for their foot longs, bout time the FEDs do something about that.

   When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

   Every time a tortilla chip breaks off or falls into the queso, I feel like I'm performing a rescue at sea on The Deadliest Catch.

   Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.

   It's like grandma always said, "Buy a selfie stick and you're out of my will."

   My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Looks like Hillary got Berned in New Hampshire.

   The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1:00 pm and 2017.

   Yesterday a friend asked me if I would like to go on a Valentine's Day date, but when I asked her who it would be with and if I knew her she got all pissy and stormed off. Another day alone I guess, I just can't catch a break.

   I'm so happy Leonardo finally got an award, he was such a brilliant inventor and painter.

   The older I get, the harder it is to hold in my sigh

   I'm not here to fix your problems, i'm here to set an example of what happens when your problems don't get fixed.

   Based on the white smoke pouring out from under the hood of my car, it elected itself as the new pope.

   Little Known Fact: The Golden Girls was originally titled Depends on Friends

   Call me a skeptic but I doubt people LOL as much as they claim.

   Wal-mart closing 269 stores in 2016, putting 16 cashiers out of work

   The chances of me going to a party increases 100% if they have a dog.

   Pro tip: Guys, always be Frank with your sex partners. After all, you really don't want them to know your real name.

   *Eats one piece of popcorn* *Gets 280 kernels stuck in teeth*