Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.

   I dont blame some of these athletes wives for leaving them I mean seriously how do you sign million $ deals then go broke in a few years...

   After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

   Scotland Yard is at a loss at how to stop rioters from coordinating looting via Blackberry. If only they knew someone who could hack phones.

   "My memory is so bad" "How bad is it" "How bad is what?"

   There's too much emphasis put on winning in life. I'm just trying for a participation ribbon.

   Persistenc​e • 1 yes is worth 100 no's!

   Y couldn't judgement day begin on Monday!? why did it had to ruin my weekend!?

   thinking that Harold Camping's mathematical equation involved a Magic 8-ball.

   Talking and speaking are entirely different things. So are hearing and listening.

   Rj is wondering...Where is Cupid's evil step brother Stupid?? who uses alcohol instead of arrows And causes one night stands?

   Doctors were stunned by how many years she lived without a personality...

   I've lost my mind! But that's okay, as sick as it is it won't get far!

   sometimes it feels weird when you don't know why you hate someone for the first time you see them and even without talking to them.

   When it comes to kicking someones ass I'm brave but when it comes to telling you how I feel I'm as weak as a toothpic

   Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

   Osama's last words, "Who is there?"

   Osama Bin Laden- World Hide and Seek Champion ( 2001-2011)

   Osama committed a classic hollywood horror movie blunder...he answered the door and asked 'who's there'......US NAVY SEALS THATS WHO, MOTHERF**KER!!!! (BANG, BANG)!

   Using a very sophisticated algorithm, I have determined that the taxes that were deducted on my Oct 22 paycheck were used to purchase the bullet used to end Osama's life. You may thank me now, or just send money in lieu of a thank you.