Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   I'd like to thank my mom for helping me out of some real tight spots over the years. Starting with the day I was born.

   Just once i'd like to write out a check in crayon..

   When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

   If you put reindeer antlers on your car I hope Ted Nugent shoots it

   "I hate Tacos!" Said no Juan ever

   Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???

   ''Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?'' ......''No sweetheart she comes with G.I.Joe, she just fakes it with Ken!!!''

   Whenever someone says to me "You look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "Do you watch porn?"

   My boss told me 85,000,000 times today that I really need to stop exaggerating.

   kissed a girl and I liked it. She, on the other hand; filed a restraining order.

   ...If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

   We need a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings.like,"Well I'm bored let's go brush our teeth"!

   I walked a mile their shoes and I didn't end up carrying a flat screen 50" TV out of a closed store in Ferguson.

   Some say chivalry is dead, but given the number of times I've held in a fart while getting a blow job, I'd say chivalry is alive & well.

   When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

   Rosie O’Donnell Announced she would not be wearing Ivanka Trump clothing brand. Don’t worry Rosie. They don’t come in your size anyways.

   It may be the early bird that gets the worm. But it?s the second mouse that gets the cheese.

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.