Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 187 of 6371
I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.
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09-13-2017 10:11
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The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.
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09-18-2017 07:39
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When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?
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10-12-2017 05:22
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Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...
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10-12-2017 09:22 by XX-FOXY
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"Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."
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10-13-2017 06:05
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I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.
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07-17-2012 22:07 by BEGO
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Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.
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09-15-2010 15:39 by TD
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Me: You have a horrible memory ... Wife: Well, I guess that's why I still love you.
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07-26-2013 02:21
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There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.
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05-31-2017 09:38
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Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.
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07-26-2017 21:19 by BigToe
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I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.
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08-16-2017 07:36
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45 minutes ago I took a bite of celery. I'm still chewing.
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08-24-2017 23:25
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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat? Good times.
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09-02-2017 07:10
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EXERCISE?? Shoot, I thought you said EXTRA PIES!!!
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09-05-2017 11:10 by Fluff!!
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Do you ever see your memories pop up here on Facebook and think to yourself "wtf was I thinking" I do. Just about every damn day.
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09-11-2017 09:13 by Zach
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Many people have told me that waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great.....
But I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Just sayin'....
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09-12-2017 18:36 by scstarman
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911: What's the emergency? Man: My wife keeps shining her laserlight pointer light on me. 911: How is that an emergency ? Man: Her laserlight pointer is attached to her gun.
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09-12-2017 21:54 by Jake
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I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse
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09-16-2017 14:45
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There is a new supermarket in town but I think it is run by the Mob. There are signs above the registers that say "12 items or else".
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09-20-2017 08:15
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To all my friends having a identity crisis, I love you, and you know who you are, I think?
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10-04-2017 13:15 by Moon
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