Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees

   I really don't understand this so called pandemic. We have been social distancing ever since we signed up for Facebook.

   Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.

   Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.

   How different our world would be if the time & money invested to create the various ways to destroy each other was used to save us instead.

   They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.

   Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

   Today I ask God for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance, because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I might beat them to death...

   Puerto Rico is showing us how to make teenagers and their annoying smartphones disappear - just cut the power

   Place a "DRY PAINT" sign on a park bench. And watch how many people avoid sitting on the bench.

   Remember when teenage girls kept a diary and got pissed off if anyone read it? Now days they put everything on facebook and get pissed off when they don't.

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...

   Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.

   If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.

   It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.

   I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

   It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

   starting to feel like she is just a character in some other planets Sims game, and the stairs for the swimming pool have been removed...HELP!