Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Universe is now in harmony. Just saw a redhead drink a Ginger Ale.

   We are at DefCon 2. Snow has been forecasted in the area. A whole 1-3 inches. Yes, there is panic.

   i was gonna give you a raise, but you clicked your tongue ring against your teeth one too many times...we get it, your tongue is pierced, stop playing with it..we're not having sex, so I dont care

   This world is in desperate need of a Sarcasm Font.

   If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.

   Has it occurred to ANYONE that if you can organize that many people to protest, you can organize that many people to help build businesses, clean up your streets? Where's that rally?

   ... It is a proven fact that when you clean out a Vacuum Cleaner .... You become a Vacuum Cleaner.

   Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.

   If I was in a position to hire someone and their resume read "I've never attended a political rally", I'd probably give them the job.

   My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 1996.

   It turns out Hillary didn't have pneumonia after all. She just downloaded iOS 10.

   Farting in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

   It should be a rule that every political Facebook status or tweet should begin with - "First of all, I have absolutely no real idea what I'm talking about, this is just an uninformed opinion................."

   The star of this debate...the fly. 😂😂😂😂

   The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.

   Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."

   I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account

   I successfully said "Worcestershire sauce" today!

   i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway