Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am always confused when I see a status message that isn't about me.

   Friends: "I need a new profile picture." Me: "I need a new face."

   "Here, spray this on the fuse box" - Ray Lewis to Superdome technician.

   FB just set a record for most people online ever in the last 30 minutes!!

   Oh Good, the Aaron Hernendez jokes from two years ago are back.

   Thus far, I have seen no benefit to growing up.

   People who drive slower up hills know how cars work,,, right?

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.

   Sooooooooo.... Since the NSA isn't watching right now, I can say whatever I want.... right?

   "When there are 700+ customers in the store, all but one cashier must go home."

   Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out

   So let me try to understand this…being a vegan is your whole personality?

   I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.

   We had the kind of love that lasted till our phones died.

   @simoncholland: Favorite part of Facebook is people believing 1.3 billion divided by 300 million = 4.3 million WHEN THERE IS A CALCULATOR ON THEIR PHONE!

   My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.

   Shoutout to uteruses, the original 3-D printers.

   $5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...

   Never ever trust a person who doesn't like dogs.

   Don't worry Paul McCartney, I have been refused entry into night clubs too.