Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I pride myself on helping others get thru stressful times, but honestly, that plumber acted like he didn't enjoy the back-rub I gave him...

   I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies

   You can tell a lot about a person by the results of their autopsy.

   Irish I was drunk already ツ

   interesting how Tiger Woods gets a girlfriend, starts having sex again and starts winning again...

   I didn't say you are perfect, b!itch, I said you are a perfect b!itch!

   Hate yourself, leave the rest of us alone.

   You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.

   If I like you, I will make fun of you. If I don't like you, I will also make fun of you. You just won't know.

   Ladies; If the first date is going really well you should probably bring up marriage so he knows you're serious about him.

   Getting some always leads to wanting more.

   Stay in that position I just got a Facebook Notification.

   Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.

   I'm the guy who would give a dying man a bottle of whiskey and some kind words. Knowing I'd get the whiskey back in a few minutes anyhow.

   "We're so in Love." - People that I hope get hit by a bus.

   I wonder if Sonic provides same sex benefits for those dudes in their commercials???

   I'm so lazy I don't understand, I undersit.

   Crap! Still here! Better schedule that colonoscopy,

   Dont mistake my kindness for blindness.

   How to be happy on social media- Ignore what you don't like!