Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything happens for a reason. Getting stupid and making poor decisions are the most common reasons.

   Teddy Kennedy, Slick Willie, & Harvey Weinstein...all champions for women's rights!

   This might as well be CNN or FOX NEWS

   don't you just love those who have no education who spout their ridiculous uninformed views all over the place?

   We should throw a politician in jail every day for the next 10 years. Even if we don’t know why, they do.

   I Hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line,, cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses.

   Has anyone created a national do not poke list for Facebook yet?

   I remember how it felt soooo good to turn my lights out for Earth Hour... On hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.

   What an idiot that Maury is, inviting me onto his "Father's Day DNA special"..... I don't even have any kids.

   I make her coffee every morning exactly the way she likes it because I love her... and because if I didn't she would stab me repeatedly.!

   Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

   It's been an exhausting day of pretending I'm a pleasant person.

   People that have 7 kids, let's be honest.....do you actually LOVE all those kids?

   All I want for Cristmas is to go to Walmart and there be no people

   Bears are just men who were abandoned by their wives and haven't shaved since then.

   Besides yourself, which individual disappointed you the most in 2013?

   Hi,,, I'm here for an oil change and an estimate for $100's of dollars of work that I'll say I'll get done another time but never come back.

   Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket. It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.

   "Thesaurus", Was the first dinosaur to get murdered... Ugh, No one likes a know it all.

   I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.